Is it time to get back out there again?
Christmas is nearly here and I realise that for the most part, I’ve shut myself away this term. Hunkered down in my room with my kindle and escaped to another life, forgotten about the real world out there.
Why? Because I’m afraid and I think maybe still hurting just a little.
How stupid is that? 2 months later and I still haven’t moved past it. But then maybe that’s because I end up seeing him all the time and every time I do I’m reminded of what a failure I am. I know what happened isn’t my fault, but I kind of blame myself for not realising he wasn’t right for me. When you give trust sparingly, you expect to only give it to people that are going to matter.
Whilst I realise I can’t hide away forever, I’m not ready to put myself in that situation again. I’m not afraid of being alone, I think I’m more afraid of not being. It’s easy to depend on yourself or blame yourself. It gets a little too complicated when there’s someone else to consider too.
I’m closer to 21 than 20 now and I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 months. People say it will happen and after all my pining for someone to get me for someone to want me, I’m not all that certain that I want anyone any more.
I’m feeling a little bit sad I guess, that I don’t have the strength to take a chance. I’ll keep to playing it safe I think.
