I want my Mum. If I could get on a train an go home I think I might do. It suddenly just hit me, what am I going to do with my life?
Everyone has a plan. Why don’t I have a plan?
I don’t think it really helps when my sister is the model of perfection. She got a job straight out University. The first one she applied for. And I don’t even have a clue what to apply for.
How did I get to be so old?
I’m worried that my parents are going to be disappointed, I was always going to work on drug-development, I was going to help cure diseases. But I don’t think I like labs. They’ve supported me to do this degree and I just want to speak to my mum and for her to tell me that it’s okay if that’s not what I want to do. But I can’t go home, and I can’t ring because she’ll worry.
I talked to people about the future and they just keep telling me: OH you have loads of time, you can just take a gap year or travel or something. No one understands me enough to realise that it’s the fear of whatever change that is coming that’s causing this anxiety. It’s the pressure to achieve the things your supposed to achieve at this time of life.
And if I’m truthful it’s the pressure I’m putting on myself.
To not have a direction, even an inkling is extremely distressing.
I think it was easier when I was just in denial.
Just for the record… Perfect sisters aside (I’ve got one of those too), NOT everyone has a plan. At 37 I’ve done a lot of different things (some great experiences, some awful ones)… but I’ll let you know later what I turn out to be when I grow up.
It is a case of dillusion. You imagine a certain profession to be to your liking without finding out enough facts about it. What you are going through is what happens when reality hits you. At least be glad you are over the phase where you would be in denial… You can now open your eyes wide and see what are the best options you have. Some old man had once said, If you cant do what you love; Try loving what you do!