Holding on to innocence

I didn’t want to be a naive little girl, I wanted to think of myself as an experienced woman. but the problem is I’m neither of those things and it’s time I stopped lying to myself about what I want.

I’m a virgin not because I’ve lacked the opportunities to not be but because none of those opportunities, none of those men brought out a passion, or a desire that I dream of having in the bedroom.

Maybe I’m the cliche, deciding I want some emotional involvement as well as some animal attraction. I don’t necessarily want love, but I want like and I want trust as well as lust. Even if I’d already given my virginity away, I don’t think I’d be an emotionless sex, one-night stand kind of girl. I don’t see how people can’t see sex as something incredibly intimate. Why would I share that intimacy with a total stranger that I’ll never see again.

Maybe I am a dreamer, thinking it will be better then it actually is. But I think I’d rather wait for someone who wants me so much they’re willing to get know the girl behind the walls I’ve built around myself. Maybe that’s the reason I built them.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few weeks struggling with my virginity. I was ashamed of it I guess, until the moment I was more ashamed of my actions and then I became proud of it. But proud isn’t really the right word, maybe content with it.

I’m a young girl with a head full of crazy dreams. I’ve lost a little innocence lately, but it made me realise I want to hang on to what little innocence I have left. At least until someone I like and trust enough comes along, to teach me how to be a woman.