Identity crisis, is something that gets thrown around quite a lot, but I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s what I must currently be feeling. However dramatic it may sound.
Who is Chloe? What is she interested in? Or disinterested in?
My housemates really make me question if I know myself at all. They’re all members of some society or other, polocrosse, pool, rugby. And me, I’m not part of anything. Do I do that by choice?
Outside of this house they’ve all got places and people to see that don’t live here, I don’t. I’m not saying I don’t have other friends, I do. But I only see these friends at lectures or labs, we don’t do anything outside of that together.
I’m not interested in sports or politics. I don’t want to be out drinking or socialising. I’d much rather curl up with one of my endless books or films. I’m not even really that interested in my studies. I worry that I lack passion and drive, or maybe I just haven’t found something to be that passionate about yet. I know a lot about nothing. Maybe I need to take some time to figure me out.
I’m afraid that I’m not really living. I’m scared I’m just stood on the sidelines waiting for something, but I don’t really know what that something is.
As a 20 year old, how can I already have so many regrets? What do I even have to regret?
I wish for once I could allow myself to be closer to people. I wish I could talk to my mother about all the things that frighten me: the future, my career, men. But I don’t have that relationship with her, I don’t have that relationship with anyone. Because I’m not truly sure people would really understand.
And now, I think it might be too late. I’ve buried too many of my secrets, fears, dreams and I think with them I might have buried myself.
