For tonight, everything will be okay

There are days when I feel emotion bubbling just below the surface. I grasp for words that are just beyond my reach. There’s a hollowness that seems to fill me. Today is one of those days.

My childhood was a happy one. I had a family that loved me. I was never afraid to dream.

But when I try to visualise my future, when I try to reach for a dream, I’m left grasping for air. It’s difficult to admit you’ve only got a blank wall ahead of you. For some, maybe that would be an inspiration. Maybe that would be a clean slate to write your dreams on.

Can you lose the ability to dream?

Maybe I’m searching for a guarantee, when life doesn’t hand those out.

It’s difficult to admit to anyone else that you’re afraid, when most days you can’t even admit it to yourself. What’s worse is that you’ve set yourself apart so no one’s close enough to see that fear.

It’d just be nice to hear one person say that it doesn’t matter what I choose. It doesn’t matter if I fail. It’d be nice for someone to say they believed in me, that there’s faith for me somewhere out there. And that ultimately, no matter what happens, everything will turn out all right.

But that’s just a lie I tell myself on sleepless nights.

Playing it safe

Is it time to get back out there again?

Christmas is nearly here and I realise that for the most part, I’ve shut myself away this term. Hunkered down in my room with my kindle and escaped to another life, forgotten about the real world out there.

Why? Because I’m afraid and I think maybe still hurting just a little.

How stupid is that? 2 months later and I still haven’t moved past it. But then maybe that’s because I end up seeing him all the time and every time I do I’m reminded of what a failure I am. I know what happened isn’t my fault, but I kind of blame myself for not realising he wasn’t right for me. When you give  trust sparingly, you expect to only give it to people that are going to matter.

Whilst I realise I can’t hide away forever, I’m not ready to put myself in that situation again. I’m not afraid of being alone, I think I’m more afraid of not being. It’s easy to depend on yourself or blame yourself. It gets a little too complicated when there’s someone else to consider too.

I’m closer to 21 than 20 now and I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 months. People say it will happen and after all my pining for someone to get me for someone to want me, I’m not all that certain that I want anyone any more.

I’m feeling a little bit sad I guess, that I don’t have the strength to take a chance. I’ll keep to playing it safe I think.

 

On the right track

So… I have a plan. And if this plan goes tits up then I really will be having a life crisis.

I’ve decided upon a masters in bioinformatics or a graduate scheme with a pharmaceutical company. Now I just have to pass my degree and hopefully qualify for a loan. Sounds like a piece of cake! Not.

On the degree front, it does seem to be going okay at the moment. It’s on track and I’m thanking that to my new found work ethic  this year.

On the social front, I don’t really know what’s happened to me, I seem to be getting out of the house a lot more recently. I think I’m probably happier for it.

It’s still all a bit crazy, it’s still all a bit scary. But I’ve decided I’m tired of being too scared to get the things I want out of life. I know a decision isn’t an instant change but at least it’s a step in the right direction.