An update on my mental health

I’m currently blogging in order to run away from my coursework. I think my brain thinks that if I leave it for a while it will magically complete itself. If bloody only!

I’ve had serious doubts this week. About everything.

Number one I guess is this relationship I’m in. Well if you could actually call it a relationship. Since we started going out it’s been just texts, I haven’t seen him, haven’t spoken to him. I feel like it’s already falling apart and it never really got a chance to begin. A month ago he seemed so much keener, he’d initiate texts, he kept saying he was going to come up and visit. None of those things now.

Is it right that I feel more lonely now than I did when I was single? When I was single I could still be looking for someone, but now I’ve got someone I can’t do that. Every person I see holding hands with their boy, kissing them, laughing with them , stings me somewhere inside. I know it’s jealousy, jealousy that they’ve got the relationship I so desperately want. That’s the problem though isn’t it, I want it too much!

I get to see him on friday, hopefully things will be different then.

Doubt number 2 has to do with my inability to do this coursework. I seriously doubting if this course, this place is right for me. It’s not the people, they’re what’s making me want to stay. This course, it’s difficult and there’s so little of it that I’m actually interested in. I keep joking I should a maths degree, I should have done a chemistry degree. The truth is, I’m thinking I probably should have now.

But I’m not quitting, I couldn’t do that, not just because I physically can’t quit, but I can’t help but think of all those people I’d be letting down, My mum, my dad, myself.

I think all this stems from having too much time to think on my hands. I hardly see Sarah any more, I kind of miss her. I’m spending far too much time on my own these days. I can tell by my state of mind.

Right ow that I’ve got all that out, time to brush it away and get on with the damn coursework. At least I got to enjoy the break.

My boyfriend, My ego and My neurotic self

It’s strange how it took my leaving for us both to come to our senses and realise we liked each other.

He told me he couldn’t believe he’d left it this late.

I feel happy with him, not my neurotic, anxious self. So maybe he does bring something good out of me.

I know it’s going to be hard though, to maintain a new relationship whilst being an hour away from each other. There will come a point when I will want to give up. And when I write that blog saying it’s just too much like hard work, I hope there’ll be someone to say: Stop, go back, read what you’ve written about the boy.

I said ‘my boyfriend’ today and it was strange but at the same time really nice.

Oh, on a more random note, I had a conversation with James on Friday night. He said he thinks I’m going to be the love of Tom May’s life, that Tom’s better than Andy and that if he didn’t have a girlfriend he’d make some moves.

So as you can see my ego is possibly too big.

I’m hoping I don’t have to put my feet on the ground anytime soon…

Back on track, no more diversions please!

Okay so there’s maybe a couple of things that happened between my ‘I’ve blown it’ rant and this, my ‘We’re dating’ post.

So I’ll try my best to fill you in.

The first thing that happened was that the boy actually text me back. I’d text him asking if he wanted to go for a drink sometime, having got no reply I took his silence to mean no. Three days later he finally got around to texting me back, apologising for not replying due to his lack of credit. He was up for a drink!

A date was set. We met. And it was right. It was so easy to talk to him. He’s just easy to be around. And I’m cursing myself for not pushing for this in the summer, because surely  it would have been easier to start a relationship when I’m actually here in Manchester and not an hour away in Lancaster?

But I’ve got another date with him, and this time he asked. The pictures and a meal. Tonight!

It’s different from Andy. I always felt kind of uncomfortable around him. With Tom I’m so relaxed, I feel like I can be myself.

I also realised whilst I thought I was pining for my Ex I wasn’t. I hate the awkwardness between us and I miss him. But I don’t miss as my boyfriend I simply miss him as my friend. We should have only ever have been friends. I think I needed a new relationship to realise that.

I just, I’m not sure if you can start a relationship as long distance. I go back to uni on Saturday only one week left for dates with him. It’ll be strange to see what happens when we’re apart, whether we carry on like this or it just kind of fizzles out.

I’d rather it wasn’t the latter…