Uncontent girl: Tired of waiting for him to come her way

I think the title mainly says it all… yeah, I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m feeling sorry for feeling so alone.

My mind is telling me that I shouldn’t need someone else to feel happy and yet my heart is crying out for someone.

When you sit alone in your room with only your thoughts for company, well, it gets a bit much after a while. But I think this has been spurred on by something else.

Maybe sarah’s impending relationship?

Yeah, hit the nail on the head there. I told myself things would be different here. Boys would be interested. But a change of venue doesn’t change my attractiblity, which is apparently currently at zero.

She told me about the romance of the moment, how he’d kissed her and it had just happened. My heart yearned just a little. I think I’ve been content maybe a little bit too long. I’m anything but content now.

I just wonder, do I have to change myself to be admirable? If I do it’s not me that is attractive, it’s a facade of me. Will the hollowness of that lie feel as hollow as this? Is that worth it?

Who will end up with me?

Am I normal? It’s a question I ask myself often, more so since I’ve come here annd met Sarah. She’s so… not me, I guess. She finds it weird that I don’t like hugs, or people touching me that often. She finds it weird that I don’t like to share my bed with anyone else. She finds it weird that I could go a month on my own and be perfectly happy.

I just like my space.

She said she felt sorry for who ever ends up with me. And it made me think, am I so damn unaffectionate? I don’t tell people I love them, because in truth I don’t feel it. I don’t know what love is.

But the truth is, somewhere underneath these layers I’ve built around myself. I wouldn’t mind a hug from someone who cared. I’d share my bed if they would be there everynight. I could go a month on my own and not be hapy if I had someone to truly miss.

And that scares me, that I feel no ties to a place or to people. I want to I so desperately want to feel… anything but numb.

It scares me that I don’t think anyone will care enough to see past the edge of facade I present. And perhaps that’s my own security.  If people can’t get close enough, then I can’t care too damn much. But is that really living?

Perfection is always just out of your grasp

I had, quite possibly the best night of my life.

I met an amazing guy.

The sad part is, I’ll never see him again.

Sarah forgot her ID, and so me and her had to trek back to the uni to get it. Whilst waiting for the bus into town we met some people, with a very crazy friend. Well, not crazy, just very drunk I guess. He’d just stripped before we got there, but when we saw him he was fully clothed, thank god. Then he proceeded to get a traffic cone and balance it on his head in the middle of the road. It was hillarious.

So this got us talking to his friends. One guy in particular who was  visiting his brother. After the hillarious bus ride into town, we lost them. But once at the sugar house, they managed to find us again. There were moments when he was stood entirely too close and I couldn’t quite be sure if I was scared or excited. His hand would skirt my arm, my side, and I can’t say I didn’t like it.

The guy had a way, he’s obviously very charming, but it was nice, for that one night, to have someone so charming’s attention focused directly on me. He made me feel beautiful and special, I guess that’s the trick to getting girls to make rash decisions. But I didn’t.

They left, then we did. Only to meet up on the free bus back to uni. We chose a seat not near him and he came to sit with us. But then we parted ways, when our stop was before theirs. He had a nice feel of my arse as I was leaving. Normally something like that would infuriate me. Somehow, I didn’t find myself minding.

& now I’m sat here, maybe a little disappointed. When didn’t I make some moves. Why didn’t I show some obvious interest. Well because that isn’t me. Sometimes I just need to someone to push at my walls.

& so, the ellusive James of a night I’m not likely to forget, will just have to do as a memory.

What a damn shame.